Category Archives: Insomnia

95% of the Time it’s Fine… 

I’m single. I’ve not always been single. In maths terms (which there will be more of this post) I’ve been single for less than 20% of my adult life. 95% of the time I’m ok with singledom, or I’m not all Bridget Jones about it at least. What about the 5%? Well that’s where The Block comes in (Whick is a renovation show on TV – for those outside my hemisphere), more specifically The Block and Twitter. 99% of the enjoyment that can be had from bad TV and Movies is the acerbic, sarcastic and generally witty cometary that two or more people make during the show. The more astute and critical the company, and the more predictable and transparent the show the better it becomes. So Twitter has become sort of surrogate couch partner to quip with, unfortunately it is a partner that mainly watches shows like The Bachelor etc. So if I fancy a bit of banter I have to whore myself out there to mainstream reality TV. Trust me you don’t get a lot of action with a documentary on the inventer of the seed drill, or a retrospective on a flute based prog rock band*. 

The reason The Block has become my Twitter companion, apart from its active user group, is that it has a bonus round. You can on occasion get your pithy comments on the show it self, resulting in much congratulating and backslapping. 

I must admit they got me hooked on the first night by running my tweet in the “pimp” spot, the big scrolling halfway point ad. A prime time spot so prominent that even my ex-wife texted me to mention it. And I must admit the idea of my stupid face and trademark sarcastic quips popping up on the screen as she sat with her boyfriend watching a bit of relaxing TV was quite amusing, to me at least. 

The only real problem is that I’m forced to moderate the more acid comments and keep my tweets primetime friendly if I want that 2 seconds of not really fame. Trust me in a couch, glass of wine and bad TV I’m a bit more cutting edge. A bit like TV comedians that are quite sedate on TV, but work as blue as possible in a live show. Cheap puns seem to be the way to go, or comments about the host that are positive, and possible contain a pun for the double shot.

Not my best work, but you get the idea. The point is more to address that pesky human need to occasionally interact with people to avoid that whole wearing tissue boxes on your feet and collecting your own urine in jars. As stated before 95% fine. 5% could use a handy human shaped analog to bounce things off… 

*they are both called Jethro Tull.

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The Land of Do As You Please.. 

It’s not all random you know? Like the ball on the roulette wheel, it looks random but it’s all mathes and angles and physics. It may look like chance, but if it were possible to measure the angles and speeds it would be possible to predict where the ball would drop. 

I try to remember that as I’m surrounded by the bouncing and spinning or seemingly random events. I try and focus on the trajectory I’ve set in motion and ignore the noise and colours flashing by. Ignore the smoke and chatter, the distractions and misdirections. Focus on that ball. 

I’m also aware that this idea maybe less based in scientific reality than it is basted in the 3rd glass of wine, but all the good ideas are hidden in the bottom 2/3rds of a bottle. Of course bad ideas are hidden in the 2nd bottle, so avoid that bottle at all costs. 

It may be the wine talking, umm no it’s not the wine it’s just you with your chemical levels adjusted. Meaning you are either unfettered by some of your mental governors, making you less or more of an arse. I’m of the school of thought that thinks the if you become free and philosophical with a drink or two that’s probably what you are inside with all the world shell removed. However if your pleasant candy shell disolves in alcohol to reveal an a-hole that’s the real you. Now some people might tell you not to drink if you are in group b, in fact I have told a few b’s to skip the booze, but that’s for my benifet and not for theirs. Maybe if you are an arsehole when you drink you should be drunk 24-7, that seems fairer to the rest of the world. We would know what you are really like, and you could either work on not being an arsehole, or live with being avoided like the pothole in life’s highway you are.

I myself fall firmly, often into a comfy chair, in group A. I’m the poster boy for group A, and if wasn’t for my prepencity to get a bit flirty and talk like a pirate when drunk, I’m pretty sure people would prefer me drunk at all times. So let’s raise our glasses to whatever point I was trying to make and set sale with a pants off (did i mention to flirty pirate part?)… 

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Day 120 to 122 – One Down…

Three days since I posted, three days since I went off the anti-smoking medication… I suspect I still have a few days before it is out of my system… The half-life of the pharmaceuticals we put in our bodies is now another subject I can bore people with…. So that’s nicotine down, the chemical I took to get past the nicotine 75% gone (seriously if you don’t know about half-life look it up, it’s a good read)… And against the advice of both my doctors I am considering losing the SNRI too… I miss having feelings, good and bad… Unfortunately coming off anti-depressants can be tricky… Especially those with a short half-life (see I do go on)… There are a couple of choices involving the rather anal reduction and weighing of individual capsules or I can dose myself with an SSRI, then after a few days Stop the SNRI and slowly ween myself of the SSRI over a month or so (the longer the half life the easier it is to kick)… Either way I should be me again for the first time in five years again soon… I will of course secure myself during the full moon, just to be safe…


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Day 98 – I am Sherlocked….

To be specific, I need a Watson to my Holmes… There’s a little insight into how I see myself, but arrogance aside I do better with someone to bounce ideas off… As fun as the kids are to chat to, they are not the mental sparing types..

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Sometimes I just need a live target to bounce things off… I know it is not good for me to run things endlessly in my own head, I just end up finding every possibly flaw, no matter how unlikely… There is no real replacement for someone that knows how your brain works, accepts you but also doesn’t humour or coddle you…

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I have a Moriarty, but she’s not talking at the moment, she has been a bit pissy since she pushed me off a large waterfall, and I didn’t drown… So applications are now open, job requirements should be obvious to anyone clever enough to get the job, I refuse to spoon food you people… However the position will be given without interview to this Watson if they ask…

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you may also have noticed the lack of progress (or at least writing about it) on the blog in relation to vintage, art or life in general… I am afraid that is a side effect of two things mainly… First giving up smoking and secondly my brain appears (to me) to be doing the intellectual equivalent of pushing the go pedal to the floor and dumping the clutch… Lots spinning and noise but very little forward momentum?… Bouncing back and forward between doctors is not helping… The red pill helps depression and anxiety, but the blue pill helps Bi-polar II, we will just try this first, and then that… So being almost at the point of a productive vaguely manic period is held just at the moment of kicking off, like some kind of tantric muscle clenching of my skull… Not a very satisfying result…. I can see why people bin the pills and the temptation to just self manage is riding high at the moment… I have that solo parent dilemma of school vs cost of school, well not a dilemma any more, they will be attending my school of choice next year, the dilemma is paying for it… Actually dilemma is too strong a word, as is problem, it is a puzzle to be solved and I have found all the edge pieces and another bit that has clouds on it…. So I am sure I will work it out…  The game is a foot!!!!!


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Day 86 – The Little Book of Crazy…..

Sort of like a diary, but it just contains locations, times, symptoms and fund stuff like that… I started keeping a record just after I gave up smoking… It was becoming apparent to me that twitchy and gruff were not related to nicotine cravings… They were anxiety pure and simple… I had been self medicating with cigarettes to deal with the anxiety, which in themselves increased the symptoms… Catch 22 a day… I didn’t really need to track that to figure it out, but I do need it to self diagnose the rest of my issues… Yes I am in that rather analytical frame of mind that believes by tracking and cross referencing symptoms and situations I can eventually work out how to minimize issues… Not a cure, but a work around… Self medication is not an option, but to avoid it I need a way to get everything done that won’t send me into chemicals or ice-cream etc… Today has been one of those days (on the back of another one of those days) where everything is setting my teeth on edge… Return of the headache, feeling a bit like a staff member around the house and a disgruntled one at that… Lack of adult conversation coupled with the fear that I have forgotten how to “do” adult conversation… I have spent the last 12 hours drawing mud map style planes on bits of butchers paper, and looking up the prices of things, and then trying to find one of those things that isn’t made in china… Ethics and internet shopping are not friends… So sunday night is being spent hiding under a blanket on the lounge, in an attempt to placate the gods of tension headaches and resisting the urge to look up trepanning kits with express post….

Yes… I have noted “giant whiney baby” in the book…. along with a picture of my head and location of said headache…. So the little book of crazy will continue to grow, and hopefully twitchy and gruff will become less of an issue, and possibly characters in Snow White III – The rise of the dwarves….


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