Category Archives: Angry

Release the Kraken… 

I was doing so well. The happy kubuki mask firmly in place. But there is no noh mask today. Blame it on the rain, or 5 minutes too long in a crowd. Or maybe it’s just bad input causing static on my internal oscilloscope. Whatever it was it kicked me, bit me and scratched. It took my veneer and left a nasty gouge in the varnish. 


Hell is other people? No… Hell is other people in your head. Including the people that tell you not to worry about that. Fuck them most of all, your voice is the least helpful. 

Oh and fuck Batman day, falling doesn’t teach us to get back up again, it reminds us of how easy it is to take the skin off our knees. I’m acutely aware of how it feels to be raw, I don’t need further reminders. Falling just means you get hurt and your progress is set back. I know the skin will heal, but there will be scabs and eventually a scar to remind you. So many falls, so many scars. So many many scars. At some point there is the danger that you stop worrying about the falls and learn to find comfort in the scars. New scars mean you are still alive, but is that a good way to check? Don’t answer, because if you said yes you’ve got the issue I used to have, I say “used to” because I don’t want my inner narrative any more toxic than it already is… 

Tomorrow I will have the hangover that comes from stale adrenaline and bile stewing for an hour to many. I will make amends for those I have been the “other guy” to. I will let the scabs form and stay away from the gravel for a bit. There is so much gravel and so little grass in my life these days. That’s what happens when you pave instead of sow. But I still have a planter box I haven’t pissed in yet. So tomorrow I will water that. 

Please excuse the metaphor and similes they are for my clarity,  and the obscuration of others… 

Tagged , , , , ,

Angry is ok… 

I’m currently sitting in a protective circle of boxes, a cardboard wagon train blocking out the hostile wilds that surround  me. Though the stuff in the boxes in proving less of security and more of a burden. I know in reality I have reduced the amount of stuff I own by at least 20% in the last few months, but apparently that isn’t enough to reach a visual tipping point where less seems less. 

So why the box fortress? Short answer: I’m moving. Long answer: I’m ready to move. The emphisis on the “I’m” part of the statement. For the first time ever there is no external locus involved. No relationship, no financial imperative, no emotional motivation or manipulation, just a desire to be somewhere that mends. I have a history of running, as the song says “runnings the thing I’ve always done”, the problem with that is eventually you will get tired. I’m very tired.

Five years of running will make you tired, and in my case I also chose to spend a lot of that time angry too. Angry is ok, nothing wrong with a bit of angry. It gets the blood going, focuses the mind and reminds you that you are not quite ready to go gentle into that good night. I’ve been angry at quite a few people, some even deserved me being considerably more angry than I was. However a few times I let the anger make me cruel, and that’s the memory that’s hard to live with. You can’t apologize for cruelty, there is no forgiveness. You can’t erase cruelty, but you can make amens. 

So I will meditate on the purity of cardboard and satisfaction that comes from occasionally popping some bubble wrap as you pack. 

Seriously though, bubble wrap is the tactile equivalent of Pringles.. 

Tagged , , , ,

Day 125 – Free like a bird….

… An angry bird, in this case… If you give up smoking and sleep and watching much tv and self abuse and drinking you will have the kind of time I have…. And then you can place yourself almost at the head of 7+ million people that play angrybirds Star Wars II….

20140509-001554.jpg
Actually I haven’t put that much effort in, and I certainly haven’t spent any real world money on boosty things… But apparently I have managed quite a few #1 ranks there… I think it goes “being famous on angrybirds is like being rich in monopoly”….

Tagged , , , ,

Day 120 to 122 – One Down…

Three days since I posted, three days since I went off the anti-smoking medication… I suspect I still have a few days before it is out of my system… The half-life of the pharmaceuticals we put in our bodies is now another subject I can bore people with…. So that’s nicotine down, the chemical I took to get past the nicotine 75% gone (seriously if you don’t know about half-life look it up, it’s a good read)… And against the advice of both my doctors I am considering losing the SNRI too… I miss having feelings, good and bad… Unfortunately coming off anti-depressants can be tricky… Especially those with a short half-life (see I do go on)… There are a couple of choices involving the rather anal reduction and weighing of individual capsules or I can dose myself with an SSRI, then after a few days Stop the SNRI and slowly ween myself of the SSRI over a month or so (the longer the half life the easier it is to kick)… Either way I should be me again for the first time in five years again soon… I will of course secure myself during the full moon, just to be safe…

20140505-222416.jpg

Tagged , , , ,

Day 116 – Chasing May…

Dear April,

I am sorry things didn’t work out… I did try, I gave you the benefit of the doubt… It seems you just wanted to do what you wanted to do, and payed me no heed… I cannot take your callous disregard for my feelings and well being any longer… I have packed up all your stuff and left it at the door, I think it would be better for us both if you were gone by Thursday…

All the best
Shayn….

20140429-183018.jpg

Tagged ,