Author Archives: Rust

Baby I Don’t Care…

My Favorite Transvision Vamp song (did they have more than one?). Also the final measure on the patented “Are you over it meter?”. Love and hate really are just two sides of the same emotional coin, it’s not until you have no emotional response at all that you are really over something/someone. Today I saw something/someone that should have elicited a response, but it didn’t even rate as blip worthy. Bridges that burn themselves are bloody handy, they should all come equipped with a barrel of oil and monkey playing with a zippo. 

Oh, I want your love!…. that’s the other song. There’s some real mixed messages going on with that Wendy James… 

One year ago… 

This time last year I wrote this – 

I didn’t sleep much last night.. Lily was bitten by an imaginary spider at about 2am. I am well practiced at losing sleep over imaginary things, and so I did. She was fine of course, curled up beside me with a small menagerie of fluffy animals that were required to get her back to sleep. Unfortunately I don’t have any small fluffy animals to distract me, so I stayed wide awake, watching a small human breath and snuffle, while I spent the hours before sunrise overthinking, planning, rehashing and regretting. You know all the typical mental soundtracks you play on the insomnia Roadtrip. It’s been a rough few years, with a lot more downs than ups. Drinking, smoking, enough anti-depressants to recreate most of the extras for a season of the walking dead… Broken hearts, friendships that fell by the wayside, frustration, self indulgence/destruction, seven good times, seventy seven bad times and fifteen hundred moments in between.

It’s been quite a while now since I got off the ironically named ‘happy pills’ and quite a while since I gave up smoking (this time), even the drinking that was a fixture of my late teens and most of my twenties is something that doesn’t happen these days…. For the last time in the four years or so I can honestly say there is a tiny spark of hope that, things might get better. That thought hasn’t really been there for quite a while, actually it seems like it hasn’t really been there since I was a kid, but there are no thoughts of ‘flicking my pick-up off the interstate’ at all. My doctor was not overly worried that I would, because he knows I have one (or two in this case) reasons to get up and function everyday. He told me often that ‘anyone in my situation that wasn’t depressed just wasn’t paying attention’… It wasn’t something that I believed at the time, but he is a clever man and has a nice certificate on his wall, so I will give him the benefit of the doubt.

Now with great insomnia comes great need for a nap. Well I say nap, but I passed out, face down on the couch…. Four hours… As anybody who has taken the unintentional, unplanned daynap knows, you wake up with the full, Where am I?!!! What’s going on? Where are my pants?!!! Well not the last one, it was replaced by the “ow, I fell like I’ve been shanked!!”, this turned out to be due to the pen in my pocket (see pen pictured)… Location established, pen found and removed and a quick head check of house hold members settled my panicky tendencies. The kids had feed themselves and have been involved in some complicated version of stratego that involves shooting each other with nerf guns if they lose a piece (I would be concerned but they are wearing sunglasses for safety)… I have brewed myself a pot of the good coffee and sat on the back step for an hour… There is a shitload (now an official measurement) of stuff going on in the world and people around me at the moment, and I am woefully unqualified to offer advice and emotionally useless when it comes to support. I’ve always been a bit shit at getting the support out in the open.. The concept of the “it’s the vibe” doesn’t seem to translate to the world outside my head.. I am getting better at it, I would hope my children never doubt for a second that I am there for them, and that I will live for them, a recent change in mindset there over the tradition and overly dramatic ‘die for’.. 

So as we head into another Xmas, a time of introspection and resentment of forced jollity for some, my thoughts turn to those that are going to struggle through it, like I have done. I battled through much of it alone, not because people didn’t want to help, but because of my own bloody mindedness and my well practiced art of pushing people away.. So this Xmas I will try and be thankful for the things that have gone right, forgive myself and others for the things that went wrong, and try not be a miserable sod even if someone makes me wear a stupid paper hat.

PS- I found this today, someone cared enough for Elsie to engrave her name on this tin in 1936, and then she cared enough to keep it for the rest of her life… Love, it should be as simple as that…

I’m feeling a good 47% better this year, well I’m not sure about that number exactly, like most statistics I just pulled it out of my arse. Fingers crossed by December next year I can post another profit in the “getting better” column… 

Not off the rails…. 

Just temporarily out of steam. A few days ago I accidentally attempted some introspection, it didn’t go well. I really must remember that with  my brain, much like a loaded gun, it’s important for your own survival. So I have taken on water, stoked the furnace and I look forward to a nice head of steam returning at some point. 

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It’s not a life hack… 

You know those things that we used to call thinking, common sense or logic? Well apparently they are now “life hack”. People post logical solutions on the internet for people to look up. We live in an age where common sense has been outsourced, MacGuyver would be rolling over in his grave. Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with seeking various solutions to issues, actually seeking various solutions is a great idea. Exposure to multiple methods for a single problem encourages looking at things without a fixed idea. Functional fixedness is not a friend to creative thinking. I like to find as many ways as possible to achieve a task, and then I take the easiest. Bill gates said

 “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.

Bill Gates would like me, I’m very good at finding the easiest way to do things. Last night  after grocery shopping I was returning with my trolley to my car at the far end of the car park. Near my car was another trolley, still with its $2 coin in the deposit slot. So now I have two trolleys with a coin mechanic designed to encourage people to return the trolley. I could wheel both trolleys the 200meters back to the shop and retrieve both coins (i.e. Doing what ‘they’ want), I could just put my trolley inside the other (as designed) and retrieve one coin…. or option number three, place trolleys back to back at the right angle, put one chain over the top and one underneath, and I get both coins without the walk back to the market with two trolleys. Sorry to the person that collects trolleys and has to deal with the problem i created for you, but try and think of it as a lesson in life hacking. 

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I Lost on Jeopardy… 

I’ll take things that can be mixed for 500 Alex… 

  • Vodka and tonic 
  • Cake batter
  • Receptions
  • Feelings 
  • Reviews 

And of course tapes…

When I buy stuff it’s not always to keep the wolf from the door, because the wolfs just a puppy and the doers double locked, so why you got to worry me for? (Apologies to Passanger). I also buy stuff because it amuses me, or makes me think of a joke, or a stokes the coal on a train of thought. My brain seems to thrive on wordgames and esoteric stimulation, and bad puns more often than not. I’m not sure if it falls into observational humor, or prop comedy, or somewhere in between. Maybe it’s just my equivalent of a pile of badly typed conversation starter cards.  A reason to talk (or write as the case may be) about something apart from relationship issues and what’s on the telly. 

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