Day 53 – An Empty Chair…

One of those days were events shine a light on things that are on your mind… Actually not even a day, it was a just a moment…

On the way home today I stopped in a 2nd hand store (not unusual), in this store was a chair… Also in the store was a loud woman occupying all of the salespersons attention… She was louder than required, demanding all the air in room was needed for her to talk, and be attended to… It would have been easy to be annoyed by all this motion and noise, to roll your eyes at the neediness of it all, and I did start to… I had sat in the aforementioned chair, distracting myself from the tension I was feeling because of the melodrama being played out for a small audience… Her phone rang… It was her husband, or partner… From the half of the conversation I could hear, it seems she was meant to be in a hardware store, fetching some tool or other… To complete some job or other… And definitely not in a second hand shop noisily buying a $200 garden gnome (no really)… It seems the voice on the phone was reminding her of this in no uncertain terms… The loud woman was gone, replaced by a meek and quiet one… Shoulders slumped and bravado gone…

To avoid any awkwardness I dropped my eyes to my phone, this poor woman has other issues in her life, she didn’t need the judgement of a stranger… Or maybe she would have seen pity in my eyes? Would that have made her feel better? Knowing that people could feel empathy… Or worse? That her situation was something that made someone feel sorry for her… Either way I looked down at my phone and thumbed my Facebook feed…

Coincidence is not real, it is said.. It is just a trick of the mind, drawing a parallel between two unconnected events because of our own need to make sense of a random world…

I needed to point that out, because this whole tale is one of coincidence, it is about a connection in my mind, and not about any interconnectedness of the events in the real world…

Now where was I?… Noisy woman, Facebook feed… That’s right…

My Facebook feed informed me of the death of Charlotte Dawson… For those that don’t know her, she was model, a tv host and many of things that fall under that horrid modern term, celebrity… She was 47 and it was most likely suicide… I will not pretend that in life she had any great effect on me, I had never really given her much thought as I do not watch the shows she hosted.. On the few occasions I had seen her on TV she had been talking about the issues of internet bullying and mental health awareness… Good causes… But I did not know her, and therefore I will leave the morning and eulogies to those that really did… This is all about reason it caused a feeling of coincidence in me… My mind drew an instant correlation between the woman in front of me, and the woman on my phone… From the outside these two women were outspoken, a bit loud and if you didn’t know them personally that might be as much as you would ever think… Obviously it isn’t true…

Then like all external events that strike a cord, it tends to turn inwards… Parallels with your own life…etc…etc… An imagined bond with total strangers over a shared situation or condition… It’s ok… It’s a good thing to feel that way… It’s that mix of selfishness and empathy in the right measure..

I felt empathy with both these women, with the idea of wanting to be accepted, to be payed some attention… Maybe to just be happy for a moment, away from whatever darkness causes you pain when you are alone… I understand that feeling… I don’t want to lose the fight… That’s were the empathy and the selfishness cross paths I know why nothingness looks like the better option somedays, but I need to believe that I will always find another way… I need to believe I am selfish enough to want to steal an extra day… Selfish enough to see the outpouring of grief for a person who had taken their life, and use that image of grieving to convince myself that it is never an option… No matter how many money worries, battles with depression, knives in the heart or days without hope, I will keep going… I like to think that for every person that decides they have been a strong as they could be, for as long as they could, there will always be another that goes on a little longer, with a little more strength… It would be nice if she knew that…

Photo-247

PS – I bought the chair… It seemed like the right thing to do…

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