Day 35 – Self-Doubt (boss level)…

Remember the other day when I was talking about internet dating sites? Of course you do… Well I stand by everything I said, and my intention was to not log back in again, and ignore the “why haven’t you logged back in?”, emails that will arrive… However that cat killing curiosity got the better of me, mainly because I received a few  Miss X would like to meet you, obviously I used Miss X as an example of a name… As I suspect the real Miss X is to be found on a completely different type of website…

I peeked… Eeek!!!

That was eeek I was hoping for troll like women with a single eyebrow!!! That is not my thing, but I will explain why I was hoping for that in a minute…

When I looked at the women that had expressed an interest in me I noticed something… They were all quite normal, attractive and interesting… They had interesting biographies and interests… They had photos that weren’t buried under a layer of Instagram smoothing…

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In fact one was exceedingly cute, short and blonde…

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That’s the exact moment I wished for the troll with the mono-brow… A contact from someone that actually fired a few of the “man parts of my brain” also fired a crushing wave of self-doubt and fear… Wonderful things like “what do I have to offer someone like this?” and “How damaged are you still?” with a bit of “are you 100% sure you are over your last disastrous relationship, before embarking on the next train-wreck?”….  Oh yes it’s a fun place in my head, that little voice has found a high powered karaoke system to serenade me with a quick verse of “Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me”… You know you are in trouble when the little voice is Morrissey..

Maybe I just need to stick to be single for a while longer… I can’t be the needy type in a relationship… By that I mean i am not the type to be needy and all reassure me in a relationship… The stupid part is I am probably capable of being more supportive of someone else’s needs than my own (ignore the probably, I am just trying to deny my own self awareness)…

So I am probably capable of being in a relationship, but part of me believes I would be putting on the smiley face and pushing my own needs aside… Maybe it wouldn’t be like that? My expectations are skewed by the past of course, how do you get past the past?

Something is definitely missing in my life…

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