Day 17 – If I didn’t have you…

Love is a human construct…. I think everyone knows that…. Unless you are the pet shop boys, then it is a bourgeois construct… Yes everything needs a flippant joke, and it’s even better if I can throw in a song reference… and that’s how the subject of today’s blog was conceived, as I was chatting on Facebook without protection (bareback chat stacking)… One of the comments in the stack went thus “they put a hot wire to me head/’cos of the things I did and said”… Now like the smell of a pair of grey cord trousers slowly melting to the back of your legs, as you stand to close to the un-flued gas heaters of a Bathurst public school in winter, is was propelled back to my teenage years… Angst ridden spotty years.. Unrequited love/lust… Binge drinking and disastrous fashion choices…

At that point I didn’t believe love was a construct… I might have said I believed it, if I was drunk and thought it might get me into your pants, but I wouldn’t have believed it… I didn’t know the difference between my chemical romance and love… Or more to the point I didn’t know there wasn’t a difference between my chemical romance and love… I also didn’t know that the chemical romance would later become a band, they also wrote a song called I don’t love you… Not relevant, but I thought I would mention it in case you missed the pointless band references…

Now this, is the love is a construct bit… If I had worked harder, been more self-confident and quicker to forgive the chemical romance or love part A would have become love part B, the human construct we call love… Although it may sound like it I am not down on A or B, in fact if I had known how A worked I would have stuck around for B… I didn’t, so we both went off to have B with other people….

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I found Love A, or in this case Love Lite… It is a bit like regular A, but with all the drama and fun stuff removed, kind of love for someone who has developed a diabetic reaction to some of the ingredients of the full version… but even love lite becomes Love B over time… Shared experience, co-dependance and time all go together to create a functioning existence, but not a strong one.. It is held together by tangible things, things you can explain and replicate, but the problem with these quantifiable real world things is that they can break… Love A is much harder to break, because we don’t know how it works, it is harder to locate and smash with a hammer… Love B however is a bridge over troubled waters, but it is a bridge made of belief… As soon as someone stops believing the whole thing is in trouble, maybe one person can do the believing for both for a while, but eventually they will lose concentration for a brief moment and the whole thing will come crashing down… and because you can’t look back on Love A to make you want to rebuild, you just let the breath out and except your fate as sink from sight…

Now maybe you find yourself washed up on shore after being bashed against the rocks for a while… Maybe Love A takes your hand and pulls you from the water and breaths a some life back into you… You slowly find the will to care again, and enjoy life… But all the while you are heading closer to the ravine, you know the one with troubled waters?…as you get to the edge, you both discover you used all your bridge building materials already…. there is no Love B in the bag, you spent your life with someone who dropped you in a river and nicked the remaining bolts…

So that brings us back to the fact that love is not battlefield, or a many splendid thing, it is a construct… So build it properly, and if it is a bit shaky don’t bring more people on…. and just hope that there is someone out there with a few bolts and struts that can cobble something together with you one day….

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