Day 12 – No Need to Hide the Phurba….

Seems some people are a bit concerned they should be hiding to sharp objects, even the ceremonial Tibetan dagger… So a quick explanation is probably in order, firstly I forget other people read this stuff, and that is important because if I start imagining people are reading this, I will start editing myself… Secondly the nasty bile coloured stuff that occasionally spills out here is in the service of honesty, not to you, but too myself… Don’t get me wrong I enjoy the feedback and comments, there is a satisfaction (self-satisfaction) to knowing that someone enjoys a turn of phrase or has thought about something in a way that hadn’t occurred to them before… But the important part to remember is that this blog is about me being accountable for myself, and that requires honesty… Messy sometimes ugly and scary honesty…. It is stuff that I feel better for getting outside my head, I have a tendency to overthink things (massive understatement), and putting the thoughts down on digital scraps of paper helps…

So while i appreciate the concerns I am not going to throw myself off a bridge or backward onto a blade… I am one of those screwed up people that is fully aware of every nasty little dark corner, most of their causes and they are all pets and not a rampaging pack of wolves that will tear me apart… I am working on training them all to sit on command, and i am also working very hard to make sure they don’t maul anyone else… So messed up, but not out of control… Lost certainly, but I have enough supplies to survive for many years in the wilderness, and occasionally I win a fight and eat one the wolves…

So why all the negative stuff then? Well thats another one of those things I battle with, Admitting the bad stuff is easier, I am not good at patting myself on the back for the “good” stuff… I always know I can do better, I am my own worst critic (though others seem to want the job)…. My 100% effort is processed by my brain as the minimum you should do… So there really isn’t any satisfaction in the things I do, there is just an avoidance of feeling guilty… I am informed that this is not a healthy way of looking at things… I am coming round to the idea, you will know if do, because some positive stuff might creep in… maybe..

So just to reiterate… No need to hide the pointy things… I am the most well balanced crazy person you will ever meet….

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