Day 10 – A Day in the Life….

Blink 182 screams “I fell in love with a girl at a rock show”…. it is the alarm on my phone… Rolled over to hit snooze, and fell of the couch… In six months I have slept in my bed maybe two weeks, not entirely sure why.. My bedroom is tidiest most relaxing room in the house, and my bed is thing of epic comfort, maybe sleeping on the couch is some kind of subconscious reaction against the loneliness of the bed?… I slipped into tracksuit pants and a t-shirt, did some stretches, or creaks as the case is and went for a short walk… one kilometre and five hundred meters according to app on the all knowing iPhone…

I wheezed and sweated and was annoyed by flies, but strangely I feel better for it, a little bit of that feeling that I used to have not that long ago (3 years or so), maybe the muscles remember when they were stronger and they could propel me along at a good turn of speed… When I could climb hills without getting out of breath, and lift something heavier than myself of the couch… I used to like that feeling… And I know from past experience it is not such a long road back…

A cup of coffee while I regained my breath and lost the fuzzy feeling in my head… and then a short trip to the shrink…

I don’t know which side of the whole therapy thing you fall on, and for quite a long time I was against it, maybe from fear of having to say things out loud… But the sessions have become a kind of catharsis I guess, as they have moved from a laundry list of “what my ex-wife has done to piss me off this week”, and into a some actual self awareness and goal setting… Of course there are still bits of self help voodoo that the damn green blooded Vulcan part of my brain refuses to accept… So I work with what I can, and try not dismiss it all because i have trouble with parts of it… I am on board with the anxiety management, and setting myself goals and tracking achievements… She does seem to have a problem with the idea that I can do all the things she suggests, just as long as she doesn’t expect me to pat myself on the back… She seems a bit concerned by my attitude that I don’t deserve a round of applause, because I know that I can achieve the things that take 100% of someone else’s effort with about 75% of mine… I know I could do better, and I have always known that.. So I can never fell satisfied with a result… She thinks this is the wrong attitude (and I don’t disagree), but she is at a loss to change it… And I am to used to being this way to try…

We also discussed future relationships, I suspect she was trying to be helpful, but it really kind of went the other way… She pointed out I am kind of in the prime age range to be hunted down and snared (she may have phrased it differently), but she pointed out that I would be likely to meet women who were running out the biological clock (again she may have said that in a different way) and wanted a baby… I think she assumed that because I am so committed to the children I have, that the idea of another one would appeal… Hmmm no it doesn’t, maybe because I so much of myself into the kids, I fear I don’t have the stamina for another? Maybe the fact that I didn’t have that whole shared parenting thing with my ex? Maybe a touch of selfishness, that I know how much a baby can take over your life and relationship? And of course there is the feeling (right or wrong) that it would be unfair to the kids to do that…

So with all that churning in my head , and my hour well and truly up, I headed back home… Feed the children, threw some clothes at them and headed off to Bathurst so they could spend their two days a fortnight with their mother and her boyfriend (see how I didn’t put bogan football watching, tuck your shirt into your track suit loser boyfriend? All about personal growth me)…

Bathurst annoys me at the best of times, but today on the back of selfish behavior in the extreme, the ex wife had a little passive aggressive shot… Sending me a text shortly before I was meant to drop them at her work, to inform me she wasn’t at work today… Obviously she couldn’t have informed me earlier otherwise I might have dropped the children off to early, spoiling her free time… Which I am sure she needed to recover from the holiday she took after she returned the kids to me… Because it seems that taking your children on a holiday is a waste of your time off?

Just pointing out here that I started out the day, without any ex moaning… But kind of got dragged into it by the end of the day? Which is totally my fault for falling for it…

So I stuck a pencil in my leg… And when that didn’t work I bought a pack of cigarettes… Smoked three in row and threw up in an alleyway…

Then i did some op-shopping, and bought a few bits and pieces…

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The chances of me getting back on track by morning are slim to none… So I will wallow for the weekend… And on Sunday I will dust myself off and start again… That’s how the wagon works folks, it travels pretty slowly, so it’s not hard to catch up and climb back on… Well, when you have finished vomiting of course…

So tonight I will watch movies and tell myself that I will keep fighting…

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Not today, my friend… Not today…

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2 thoughts on “Day 10 – A Day in the Life….

  1. I hate to say it but the therapist is probably right about the woman and the kid thing. I have no idea how old you are but am assuming mid to late thirties, perhaps even moved into the next decade, thereby attracting women in their thirties, hanging out for a child, ready to push you into a quick relationship.

    I found when I was Internet dating 10 years a go…..gawd, is it that long ago? The fellows my age (heading to the later 40s, at that time) were all interested in younger women because THEY (the blokes) had missed the boat the profiles were all saying “looking for a woman in her early 30s ready to settle to have a family” often with words like they’d left it a bit late and were keen to get moving! Often boasting that they’d never been married before etc.

    Don’t let it put you off though. It doesn’t sound like you’re interested in stepping beyond where you are right now. But don’t leave it too long either, it gets harder to get back on the horse. Heal, and heal well. 🙂

    • inkomplete says:

      I am sure she is right too, it just hadn’t occurred to me I guess… For all my cynicism, I can be blissfully naive… I am definitely not rushing (or being rushed)…

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