Day 5 – Words….

Today I spent a lot of times with words… Old words of mine, and those of others… And trying to find the words I need to describe this vague 365 challenge of mine.. It is being a challenge to nail things down with clarity… I do words… Ironically for someone who finds it so hard to talk to people, I am perceived by the people who used to know me, as being able to handle words like a monkey handles nuts, I actually wrote, like a simian shuffles sesame seeds, but that is exactly the type of over worked wordplay that I hide behind… I used to be able to fill a crowded bar with pointless witty words… I surrounded myself with a wall of them in fact…

The sad clown… Oh dear deity… Such a cliche… Actually it was a bit more like come see the witty clown, but don’t annoy him because he is one of those scary movie clowns that can turn nasty, and that amusing wit also has a very sharp edge when he thinks people are judging him…

Maybe the “challenge” is about something simple… Honesty… In words, actions and heart? Not that bullshit “I tell it like it is” crap that makes you know the person is a total opinionated ass… But the absence of lies, the lies we tell ourselves and the lies we protect the fragile parts with…

Honesty is such a such a lonley word… As billy Joel said, and so did that Bouncy woman from destinys child… Which is good because it makes the Joel version sound better…

To that end I have decided to remove dishonest people from my life, not out of any self righteous piety (though I am sure some will veherementlay disagree), but for my well being… One of the problems of having a memory like a elephant is that lies and slights, live in my head for many years… There are facial expressions and words that I can recall with photo realistic agony…

On the upside I can remember where someone left a pencil six months ago, it’s behind the blue book on the third shelf down if you need it…

So it is hard to let lies slide… Even when I want too… And believe me I want too, I don’t want to be haunted by faces and words…

I am smart… It is not said with arrogance, because I didn’t really do anything other than pop out with a speedy brain, being smarter than 95% of the people you meet isn’t fun… And some days I would take a magic pill to knock that back to around the 75% mark… In fact I think I spent quite a lot of time working on that, pills, alcohol, television all great ways to switch off a speedy brain… or my favourite one, putting all my attention and concentration into some else’s needs and problems… the more problems the better in fact… there is no better way to stop your brain doing something useful than dedicating every thought to solving their problems…

So 365 days of being honest with myself, honest about what I need, honest about what I can do to make life better for myself and those around me… At the moment that seems like a good start, it seems to encompass all the aims for this year… Being grateful for the good stuff, and staying away from the bad stuff till I am strong enough to deal with it… The make do and mend and buy nothing new part is not the difficult part for me, but it is a necessary part of becoming someone I want to be, and hopefully it will help the emotional part… Something to take a bit of pride in, a sense of achievement that I lack…

There are a few people I cant see or talk too for awhile, I am not up to dealing with hurt feelings, and I cannot deal with explaining why I cant see them at the moment… It would turn into a fight, or worse… They have moved on with their lives in vivid colour before my eyes, so I need to step away and get on with mine…

I cant begin a relationship at the moment, because I will be honest… It would be a bad idea to be honest with someone I liked… Because then they will worry about me, and have the crap from my head, in their head… and that would be a suckful thing to do to someone you like, besides I have a therapist to listen to that crap… I don’t want to be a bad boyfriend or an absent partner, and in reality I probably wouldn’t be, until I lost myself…

So plan A at the moment is hide from the bad, exercise till I throw-up, finish projects, scribble, de-clutter and push myself… and tomorrow I will crawl out from the blanket fort on the couch long enough to do a bit more of all those things… and the day after that.. and so on for the next year till things don’t sting…

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