The Verve and Lost Luggage…

To satisfy purely scientific longings, I do wish my life could be more episodic so I could attribute changes to a single event… But it seems time is just as Wibbly Wobbly as The Doctor says… The Pozac has left the building, replaced with Anti-anxiety magic beans… I have cut a tether, that has been between myself and another, or rather I handed them a nice sharp knife and let them cut the line, before my weight dragged them down again… I was scared as I sank, but it seems like I finally had the strength to do the right thing, in the end, a small redemption for my tarnished soul…

It seems the drugs that were meant to be treating my depression, didn’t… Maybe what i learned is the depression is something I can live with, it is the price I pay for having a brain that works… oh and how it works, without the prozac it feels born again, I forgot how fast it could go… Three years at half speed is quite enough, without the very lows I couldn’t enjoy the highs… The new drugs seem to work on the bit that actually caused me real issues, the crushing anxiety kept me from the world… I was a fidgety mess in public, and that of course makes you very careful about being out and about… It also makes you a control freak and focused on the time… God that must have been annoying to others… I would be focused on the next thing and the time required to get there, back and so on…. never in the moment… not being in the moment sucks… Lots of amazing moments went past as I worried about the next…

Throw into this mix, bush fires, break-ups, new shrink and a visit from the god of obvious revelations, and I am strangely at peace… Sad, but at peace… And with a sudden ability to be methodical, and non sentimental… Maybe since the “small blonde fluffy one” (as the ex-wife called her), has cut the tether, I am ready to let go of things… If I can let that go, I can let anything go..

Dealing with the ex-wife is probably easier than you might think, from reading this blog sometimes… That while I retain the ability to get royally pissed at her, it is really only when I have to deal with her directly, or by txt, which is direct for her (anyone else been divorced by txt?)… “We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.” – Ethel Barrett…. and I am afraid that is a sad indictment of a 20 year year relationship… and doubly so when a 3 year, on again off again relationship has caused more emotion, love, anger, passion and excitement than half my life in marriage that never should have been…

So all my exes are free… and I am in a cage that I built to keep the world out…. but I can see the key nearby and one day I will stretch the bars far enough to reach it… It the mean time I have a few things to release, a lot of belongings, a bit of baggage (both metaphorical and literal), some weight (from my shoulders and waistline) and maybe with all that gone I maybe able to slip through the bars of the cage a bit sooner? Hopefully in time for some life, joy and love….

photo-106

“…with my big black boots and old suitcase…”

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