Monthly Archives: November 2013

Fear of Failure? Nope!…

Fear of success on the other hand, I have that in spades… Don’t worry things will get better, they say… That’s exactly what scares me… We all know about Maslow and his hierarchy of needs, if not I will go grab a coffee while you google…

Right, all caught up? Good… lets look at this chart…

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…and what does this have to do with fear of success you ask?…. Everything!!!! In Maslow’s view, once people’s basic needs were met, they were free to explore their abilities and strive to further develop those innate abilities…. I work very hard, subconsciously and consciously to keep myself in the bottom two tiers of that pyramid… If you work very hard making sure life is a hand to mouth situation, you never have time to focus on how badly you are doing at the next tier up, let alone higher… It is very important to work, just hard enough to stave off eviction and starvation, but not hard enough to have money in the mattress, and no sense of impending dread that the next envelope is a bill, that will break you…

But why would someone do that I hear you yell…

Well here is where the Johnah Complex comes in… If you sat through school scriptures you will be familiar with the tale of Jonah and the Whale, the man who ran from his god and his destiny, got chucked into the sea and swallowed by whale, after a few days caved into his destiny and got out, so he could do what he was meant too… Obviously if you set aside all the religious parts, the story is not a positive thing either way, running from your destiny = bad, sitting around in the dark waiting for divine intervention to set you back on your path = bad…. I have been as guilty of the later as Jonah, which has helped me avoid the former… I have been very adept at waiting around for some magic offer or situation to change things for me… A new town, a new career or scheme, all doomed to failure because they require me to (a) Stop wishing for outside forces to provide me with an escape or (b) stop allowing myself to stick at level 4 and 5 of the pyramid so I have a great big fat excuse for not addressing all the things I need to achieve what I am capable of….

I have tossed away love, eaten my own body weight in ice-cream (which is a great way to have an ever increasing amount of ice-cream), dodged responsibility, actively sabotaged my own success on several occasions, subverted my own needs to meet those of others and cursed the world…. All of which has got me nowhere…

So I have a little black book, actually its a green book with a bunny on it, but in its soul it knows it is a black book… and in this book is a set of rules and affirmations.. promises that must be kept…. Secrets that will be taken to the grave, possibly on Trenzalore….  Things I say or blog are fluid and likely to change, the things in the book are not…

With that melodramatic thing said I can now get on with things…  and there are many things that need to be done….

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The Verve and Lost Luggage…

To satisfy purely scientific longings, I do wish my life could be more episodic so I could attribute changes to a single event… But it seems time is just as Wibbly Wobbly as The Doctor says… The Pozac has left the building, replaced with Anti-anxiety magic beans… I have cut a tether, that has been between myself and another, or rather I handed them a nice sharp knife and let them cut the line, before my weight dragged them down again… I was scared as I sank, but it seems like I finally had the strength to do the right thing, in the end, a small redemption for my tarnished soul…

It seems the drugs that were meant to be treating my depression, didn’t… Maybe what i learned is the depression is something I can live with, it is the price I pay for having a brain that works… oh and how it works, without the prozac it feels born again, I forgot how fast it could go… Three years at half speed is quite enough, without the very lows I couldn’t enjoy the highs… The new drugs seem to work on the bit that actually caused me real issues, the crushing anxiety kept me from the world… I was a fidgety mess in public, and that of course makes you very careful about being out and about… It also makes you a control freak and focused on the time… God that must have been annoying to others… I would be focused on the next thing and the time required to get there, back and so on…. never in the moment… not being in the moment sucks… Lots of amazing moments went past as I worried about the next…

Throw into this mix, bush fires, break-ups, new shrink and a visit from the god of obvious revelations, and I am strangely at peace… Sad, but at peace… And with a sudden ability to be methodical, and non sentimental… Maybe since the “small blonde fluffy one” (as the ex-wife called her), has cut the tether, I am ready to let go of things… If I can let that go, I can let anything go..

Dealing with the ex-wife is probably easier than you might think, from reading this blog sometimes… That while I retain the ability to get royally pissed at her, it is really only when I have to deal with her directly, or by txt, which is direct for her (anyone else been divorced by txt?)… “We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.” – Ethel Barrett…. and I am afraid that is a sad indictment of a 20 year year relationship… and doubly so when a 3 year, on again off again relationship has caused more emotion, love, anger, passion and excitement than half my life in marriage that never should have been…

So all my exes are free… and I am in a cage that I built to keep the world out…. but I can see the key nearby and one day I will stretch the bars far enough to reach it… It the mean time I have a few things to release, a lot of belongings, a bit of baggage (both metaphorical and literal), some weight (from my shoulders and waistline) and maybe with all that gone I maybe able to slip through the bars of the cage a bit sooner? Hopefully in time for some life, joy and love….

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“…with my big black boots and old suitcase…”

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Tick….Tick….Boom

So the wheels came off today…. To misquote Grosse Point Blank…if you have earned the prefix ex… You have probably done something to deserve it…

It suddenly became apparent that having suffered through more than my share of other peoples bullshit, when the situation was reversed, I am the proverbial cheese… Ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, ex-friends all wrapped up in their own little selfish bubbles… Bubbles that seem to have a cleansing effect,’that washes away all memory of the times they were at the lowest points of their life and the help they were given…

Pretty sure I won’t be receiving a saint hood, and my own issues are legion…

But it stings like a bitch to have no credit given for the crap you stood knee deep in that wasn’t even yours… A wife with the affection of a puff-adder and a maternal instinct that can only be seen with an electron microscope… An ex girlfriend will a flexible attitude to the truth and a passive aggressive streak that lives in a never ending bottle of wine… Ex-friends that treat me like the hard work, which I am, but I doubt I was ever more work than they were…

And today it all climbed up my unmedicated spine, and slapped five bells out of me… Half assed texts, a week too late, a sighting of the ex-wife and her self-involved moronic sister… Still with those three quarter pants and the perm huh?… If you find a look you like, stick with it… No matter how horrendous you look… Not being bitchy just for the sake of it, she really is a repugnant human… More texts filled with “I will always be your friend” bullshit… My coffee spoiled… My head is re-enacting that final scene from poltergeist, where the house tears itself up and disappears…

And the fun part? I have to keep a smile on my face, and this ridiculous happy tone in my voice for the kids… I need to re-read my texts to the ex-wife, to avoid being told I am deliberately trying to upset her, or that it is my fault she can’t see the kids because I live 50 mins away… And I can never bring up that it is her choice to not see the children… Because her job hangs by a magic thread that derives all it’s power from her placing every thing in her life second to it, of course her response would be, since I don’t have a job, I can’t critique her… Because apparently raising her children 12 days out of 14 is not a job, I guess it’s lucky that it is not a job, because it may crush that self belief that a job makes you important… Because as a full time parent she would last about a week before getting fired… I don’t claim to be the perfect parent, far from it, but I am there, and I don’t have a list of things that are more important than it…

Maybe it’s the mood getting to me… But I seem to be at the end of a lot of piss-poor decisions, and even more piss-poor attitudes at the moment… I wish my ex-wife would piss off with her creepy boyfriend and leave me to it… Sick of bribing the kids into going to her for the weekend, sick of sharing parental responsibility with someone who gets a vote because they begrudgingly send a check… Sick of an ex-girlfriend that contacts me when her life goes to shit because of the latest shit decision.. Sick of friends that are too busy…

So as i am often accused of falling into the illustration imperative, her is a picture from the recent fires that sums up my mood at the moment…

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Maybe a good night sleep will cure the sudden urge to sell everything and buy and old bus… runaway gypsy style with the kids and leave the whole stinking lot of them to wallow in their own crapulence…