Lets go for a ramble……

It has been awhile my friends… To keep with the rambling (both literal and metaphorical) simile for a while, it has been a rocky path that I have followed…. Uphill, with many a sharp turn and sudden drop, and the occasional stalking black dog… This post is not made from the top of a picturesque hill that allows me to see the path i have followed, and the road ahead… It is a post from the bottom of a valley… I have been away from the blog not because I have nothing to share, but because I don’t have the energy to share it, I have been using all my energy to present the illusion of a functioning person to the few people I need to deal with face to face, and propping up the idea on Facebook that I am not asleep on the couch or curled up in a corner crying for no reason… In the last few days even that pretence has slipped…. I have made appointments with a new shrink, and my old doctor to try and adjust the medication and maybe some kind of therapy that actually works… My previous therapist was very keen on treating the anxiety rather than the depression, and of course I was happy to play along with her methods of distraction to avoid anxiety… I am very good at distraction, I think she missed that… Telling me to distract myself from negative dialouge with little mantras was very appealing, as I have spent my life avoiding problems by either running away, or occuping my mind with some other trivial diversion… as a child I had divorced parents that allowed me to escape to one house or the other, depending on what conflict I needed to avoid… I was smart enough at school to avoid almost all work and activity that I had no interest in… I had a marriage to an emotionally and physically distant woman that allowed me to ignore any of my own issues, as hers were more obvious… After that an off and on relationship that never seemed to progress beyond a certain point without falling in heap…. Moves… Plans… Unanswered requests for prices and sales… Delaying plans because of mundane issues like lack of funds… Not following up on opportunities to raise funds, ignoring requests to sell items until I was a bit more organised… then getting depressed because I didn’t seem to making headway….

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F.Scott Fitzgerald wrote that –

“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.

This quote came to mind as I watched an episode of Elementary, just after watching an episode of Sherlock… I was misquoting it my head “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing  Sherlock Holmes in the mind at the same time,”… So there I sat , being all amused at my own wittiness when the show reached out of the screen and smacked me in the side of the head… One of those annoying moments when a scriptwriter has said something to give you an insight into a character, that suddenly puts a truth in your own head about yourself… Holmes (Johnny Lee Miller) explains that he is free to fill his time with all this ‘important’ work because he is ‘Post-Love’, he has been in love and experienced it, and no longer needs to worry about it…. The fact that I related to the monologue was concerning enough, but the fact that I then spent the rest of the episode waiting for the script writer to explain why that ‘post-love’ was a bad thing… and sure enough there it was in that wrap up after the crime is solved and the last add break has run….

I did look up the Fitzgerald quote… it seems that the full quote is rarely used –

“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.
 One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.”

Seems I am having a bit of trouble being a first rate intelligence then… As I have the hopeless part, but the determination is somehow still escaping me…..

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