Monthly Archives: October 2013


I had to leave the house today… Not usually worthy of a newsflash, but today I had no milk for my coffee, and that requires leaving the house… Leaving the house at the moment is not a stress free thing… That whole pesky mountains of fire thing, has been made worse by reports of looters taking advantage of the empty houses, to make staying and leaving your house an anxiety causing event… and lets add to that the rather nasty withdrawals from the prozac as it leaves my system (sweating, shaky and the over-wealming desire to hunt people that annoy me)…..

Of course I still have the one drug of choice, that only cost a few dollars and doesnt get me arrested… A quick op-shop visit… looking for that little high that comes from a good score, and I consider this a score…

Photo1-350An early 1900s Arts and crafts mantle clock… It is missing one hand and its pendulum, but it was $5…. I can live with a few repairs for that price…..

Photo2-102…. all brass and wood and labels, and a little lever that makes the bell go ding (did I mention the withdrawals?)…. If I am keeping the clock I may just replace the mechanism with a battery one for the time being… I have a fear of commitment, that means I cant be trusted to wind up a clock…



and there is a temptation to put an LED or five in the bottom to light up the lead-light…. because it will look cool and annoy antique purists…..

Photo3-88…. I am trying to decide if it is the minute hand, or the hour hand I need to make…. and also how long it will before my hands stop shaking enough to use a pair of tinsnips, without losing a hand myself….




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Out of the Frying Pan….

For those readers that don’t know, large sections of the blue mountains have been on fire, including a bit near me… Very near in fact, within a couple of hundred meters last night… So last night I didn’t sleep much, but I did have a lot of time to think, which was annoying, but luckily my children were safe with their mother an hour away… I did spend a few hours drinking coffee and watched the fire move across my view from the deck…

DSC_0526SInce I was in that strange limbo of, just waiting, or waiting to be told it was time to go, I got to do that thing where you look around the house for those things you load in the car, in case the house is not where you left it when you get back… Which first of all makes you realise just how much stuff you own, and how little of it I really would try to save… The kids are out of the house, so that leaves the traditional “photos” to save, but in truth most of those live in the “cloud” so that wont take up much room… So it came down to my phone, a green leather jacket I bought in London, a signed Terry Pratchett novel and small lego castle from my childhood…. and thats what I packed… I am very grateful that I didn’t need to leave, and that the firefighters kept the flames away from the houses opposite me, and very mindful that there are at least 100 households at the moment that did lose everything….

So this evening I am taking a bit of time to try and hold onto that feeling I had at 3am this morning, that stuff just isn’t that important…


Lets go for a ramble……

It has been awhile my friends… To keep with the rambling (both literal and metaphorical) simile for a while, it has been a rocky path that I have followed…. Uphill, with many a sharp turn and sudden drop, and the occasional stalking black dog… This post is not made from the top of a picturesque hill that allows me to see the path i have followed, and the road ahead… It is a post from the bottom of a valley… I have been away from the blog not because I have nothing to share, but because I don’t have the energy to share it, I have been using all my energy to present the illusion of a functioning person to the few people I need to deal with face to face, and propping up the idea on Facebook that I am not asleep on the couch or curled up in a corner crying for no reason… In the last few days even that pretence has slipped…. I have made appointments with a new shrink, and my old doctor to try and adjust the medication and maybe some kind of therapy that actually works… My previous therapist was very keen on treating the anxiety rather than the depression, and of course I was happy to play along with her methods of distraction to avoid anxiety… I am very good at distraction, I think she missed that… Telling me to distract myself from negative dialouge with little mantras was very appealing, as I have spent my life avoiding problems by either running away, or occuping my mind with some other trivial diversion… as a child I had divorced parents that allowed me to escape to one house or the other, depending on what conflict I needed to avoid… I was smart enough at school to avoid almost all work and activity that I had no interest in… I had a marriage to an emotionally and physically distant woman that allowed me to ignore any of my own issues, as hers were more obvious… After that an off and on relationship that never seemed to progress beyond a certain point without falling in heap…. Moves… Plans… Unanswered requests for prices and sales… Delaying plans because of mundane issues like lack of funds… Not following up on opportunities to raise funds, ignoring requests to sell items until I was a bit more organised… then getting depressed because I didn’t seem to making headway….

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F.Scott Fitzgerald wrote that –

“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.

This quote came to mind as I watched an episode of Elementary, just after watching an episode of Sherlock… I was misquoting it my head “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing  Sherlock Holmes in the mind at the same time,”… So there I sat , being all amused at my own wittiness when the show reached out of the screen and smacked me in the side of the head… One of those annoying moments when a scriptwriter has said something to give you an insight into a character, that suddenly puts a truth in your own head about yourself… Holmes (Johnny Lee Miller) explains that he is free to fill his time with all this ‘important’ work because he is ‘Post-Love’, he has been in love and experienced it, and no longer needs to worry about it…. The fact that I related to the monologue was concerning enough, but the fact that I then spent the rest of the episode waiting for the script writer to explain why that ‘post-love’ was a bad thing… and sure enough there it was in that wrap up after the crime is solved and the last add break has run….

I did look up the Fitzgerald quote… it seems that the full quote is rarely used –

“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.
 One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.”

Seems I am having a bit of trouble being a first rate intelligence then… As I have the hopeless part, but the determination is somehow still escaping me…..

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