You are Attracted to Broken Things….

This be one of “those” posts… So feel free to look at the pictures of the things I bought today and skip the dialogue….

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Today I had to travel to the mountains for an appointment (about an hour and a half away)…. Up at 6am with little to no sleep, due to a misunderstanding about days and who’s problem that misunderstanding was going to be… Enough caffeine to operate heavy machinery and I left in daze…. You know the entities are screwing with you, when in your sleepless, guilted and vaguely depressed state you stumble into not one bad memory inducing encounter, but three….

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Actually they were more like unneeded reminders in my current frame of mind, encounters…. Worried about issues with my son, I then run into three of the parents I used to chat to at his former school… Twice in Katoomba and once in Springwood…. Hard to do the smiley face all good thing, when inside you are a wreck…. but you do….

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I had an appointment with a doctor who has know me for over 20 years, and my kids since at least one of them was born… One of those appointments that reminds you what a good Doctor is like…. During the process of shuffling medication and paperwork, I had a really good chat… or actually a really good listen… Sometimes it is important to actual listen to other people, especially when those people don’t want or need anything from us… Maybe that is why people go to counsellors etc… So a man that has basically know me and the people in my life told me today that “I was attracted to broken things”…. If I could find a counsellor as perceptive as this GP I might actually get some help… He said a lot of other things too, but that whole Doc/Patient confidentality goes both ways…..

Over the next week or two I have more appointments, for confronting things in some cases… and over the next few months I will be re-arranging the life of those around me… I do have a plan, of sorts… and a plan b and c… I have accepted the fact that somethings in my life are never going to be better… and expecting them to be is part of the cause of my depression…

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….Someday my kids wont need me anymore, and thats a good thing…. I do a good job of fixing things, other than myself… I do collect broken things, and when they are fixed they go on their way… and someone else gets to enjoy something that now functions… The idea that I will spend my life in a junkyard is both literal and metaphorical, and depressing as day-time TV……

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4 thoughts on “You are Attracted to Broken Things….

  1. Remember……. YOU still see the beauty in those broken things, the hope and reality of what they will become again.

  2. itwasjudith says:

    i think i know and maybe understand some of the feelings you mention. or maybe not…. if you can, take some time for yourself, to “repair” you own soul. it’s time to give, to yourself. thanks for the interesting post & sorry for the nonsensical comment 🙂

  3. I’m giving you a big long-distance hug, or if that’s too much of an invasion of your personal space, a gentle punch in the arm and a hearty handshake. If I lived closer, I’d say let’s go out for a beer and you can tell me every last stinking wretched thing in your mind and just let it all out, without judgment or advice. I think you would feel better. Maybe you can write one of those ‘feeling’ letters and set it on fire in some sort of symbolic way. That might help. It never did for me, really, but there might be some logic to it. (I’m sorry if I’m being awkward. I’ll just stop typing now.)

    At any rate, the scale in the picture above is smiling at me. It has two eyes, a long pointy nose and a smiley mouth. You bought a happy scale, so all is not lost.

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