The Road to Hell….

I had a shit day… for many reasons…. Feeling a little cut off from the world, and not cut off enough from the world that seeks to embrace histrionics over calm… I am so close to going off the grid right now…. I have a sudden desire to go live in the countryside, and be a hermit… I am amazed at the amount of time spent by some people making a bad situation, into a horrible one… How does that help? I understand the need to lash out at the world and assign blame… I have done that, and it drained me more than those I sought to blame.. You can’t change the world be being mad at it, and it won’t fix a damn thing… I have been wronged, and I have wronged others… and it can’t be fixed, or forgotten… only learned from..

Just like everyone else… I made decisions with the best information I had at the time… I would like to think I have learned a lot from every painful bit of crap I have been involved in… and it would have been nice to learn it without repeated applications some days… but none of us is perfect….

I started the day with a laugh, maybe that’s why the day went down hill… the laugh was at the situation and not the person… but karma can be a bitch… the ex-wife sent me a txt…

Imaginary donuts!!!! Why should I be punished for laughing at that? I handled it with the child in responsible parent fashion… and didn’t even smirk at all… I kept my cheap digs about finding a computer savvy person to the bare minimum, and believe me that was hard…..

Then I get a letter from the real estate agent saying I have an inspection on the 30th… So I freak out and scrub the house… The discover it is the 30th of next month not this one… then I get into a fight that I am exhausted from having… I would fix it if I could, but I can’t… and at some point you say sorry and you get on with your life… I made mistakes… Just like everyone else does…

I was chatting today about trying to keep everyone happy, it can’t be done and you end up miserable…. I sometimes wish I was one of those people who could climb into a bottle and blot out the world… I can’t… I can only acknowledge my faults and mistake and move on… Those who do acknowledge and learn from the past are doomed to repeat it… or something to that effect…

I have learned a lot over the past few years, and not everything I discovered about myself was pleasant… I am very susceptible to those around me… which is good, if I am surrounded by calm, creative people… In the middle of mess am I worse than useless… I cannot fix broken things, because I am a broken thing, when I am with broken things… I am distant and selfish when I with distant and selfish things… this would be a sad thing if I know didn’t know another truth about myself… with peaceful things I am peaceful… with loving things I can love… and none of that will fix anything in the past… any path of pain and destruction, or self loathing and dissatisfaction will not be mended by me… No one walks away from a relationship unchanged or unscathed… and you can either curl up and curse the world, or lick your wounds and learn from it and get on with your life…

Here’s a tip the getting on with it is better for you… blaming people for wasting your life, is in itself a waste of your life… Don’t get me wrong I am not fixed and at peace with the world, but I get better most days, and even two steps forward and one step back is still heading in the right direction…

I, like a thousand whiny chick singers, just want everyone to be happy… but I can’t spend my days making myself sick trying to apologise for being who I am either… So we move on and we try to do better… Find joy and love in things that build us up and not tear us down… Forgive others, and ourselves for actions that seemed right at the time.. Allow others their faults… as we have enough of our own to work on…

I will move forward with my life regardless… I just want what everyone else wants.. to be loved for what I am… and even when I am annoyed with people being nasty and selfish, I want them to have the same…


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