Monthly Archives: September 2012

The Road to Hell….

I had a shit day… for many reasons…. Feeling a little cut off from the world, and not cut off enough from the world that seeks to embrace histrionics over calm… I am so close to going off the grid right now…. I have a sudden desire to go live in the countryside, and be a hermit… I am amazed at the amount of time spent by some people making a bad situation, into a horrible one… How does that help? I understand the need to lash out at the world and assign blame… I have done that, and it drained me more than those I sought to blame.. You can’t change the world be being mad at it, and it won’t fix a damn thing… I have been wronged, and I have wronged others… and it can’t be fixed, or forgotten… only learned from..

Just like everyone else… I made decisions with the best information I had at the time… I would like to think I have learned a lot from every painful bit of crap I have been involved in… and it would have been nice to learn it without repeated applications some days… but none of us is perfect….

I started the day with a laugh, maybe that’s why the day went down hill… the laugh was at the situation and not the person… but karma can be a bitch… the ex-wife sent me a txt…

Imaginary donuts!!!! Why should I be punished for laughing at that? I handled it with the child in responsible parent fashion… and didn’t even smirk at all… I kept my cheap digs about finding a computer savvy person to the bare minimum, and believe me that was hard…..

Then I get a letter from the real estate agent saying I have an inspection on the 30th… So I freak out and scrub the house… The discover it is the 30th of next month not this one… then I get into a fight that I am exhausted from having… I would fix it if I could, but I can’t… and at some point you say sorry and you get on with your life… I made mistakes… Just like everyone else does…

I was chatting today about trying to keep everyone happy, it can’t be done and you end up miserable…. I sometimes wish I was one of those people who could climb into a bottle and blot out the world… I can’t… I can only acknowledge my faults and mistake and move on… Those who do acknowledge and learn from the past are doomed to repeat it… or something to that effect…

I have learned a lot over the past few years, and not everything I discovered about myself was pleasant… I am very susceptible to those around me… which is good, if I am surrounded by calm, creative people… In the middle of mess am I worse than useless… I cannot fix broken things, because I am a broken thing, when I am with broken things… I am distant and selfish when I with distant and selfish things… this would be a sad thing if I know didn’t know another truth about myself… with peaceful things I am peaceful… with loving things I can love… and none of that will fix anything in the past… any path of pain and destruction, or self loathing and dissatisfaction will not be mended by me… No one walks away from a relationship unchanged or unscathed… and you can either curl up and curse the world, or lick your wounds and learn from it and get on with your life…

Here’s a tip the getting on with it is better for you… blaming people for wasting your life, is in itself a waste of your life… Don’t get me wrong I am not fixed and at peace with the world, but I get better most days, and even two steps forward and one step back is still heading in the right direction…

I, like a thousand whiny chick singers, just want everyone to be happy… but I can’t spend my days making myself sick trying to apologise for being who I am either… So we move on and we try to do better… Find joy and love in things that build us up and not tear us down… Forgive others, and ourselves for actions that seemed right at the time.. Allow others their faults… as we have enough of our own to work on…

I will move forward with my life regardless… I just want what everyone else wants.. to be loved for what I am… and even when I am annoyed with people being nasty and selfish, I want them to have the same…

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Best Chat Ever and the Money Squid….

Just spent a few hours talking with a good friend about life…. Pointless consumerism…. creative fulfilment and the annoying matter of having to live so close to ex’s…. Not that they are not entitled to be annoying, as with all ex’s it is the continued existence in full view that annoys, not their right too….

Maybe we have been reading to many militant hippy, knit your own sandals books lately, but we both seem to agree that we should just pay close attention to our ex’s and their way of doing things, and how we did things ourselves when we were with them,  and do the opposite… Admittedly she has the rougher end of the stick… two ex’s in close proximity, one stupid and one evil…. If the evil one was stupider, or the stupid one was eviler she would be really screwed… And I just have the one, who luckily is less of one and more of the other so it all balances out…

This summit of hippy dippy ideas and frustration with the hollowness of current situation, that has our lives and decisions influenced by people we don’t particularly respect the life choices or dress sense of, came to the following conclusions…

1 – Control is bad thing, and even a benevolent dictator is still a bad idea… So the removal of the option to be controlled is paramount… As we both are dealing with people who choose to excise a stick and carrot form of control with currency, we will attempt to remove that temptation for them.

2 – A life spent in consumerism and the hamster wheel that runs it is not acceptable..

3 – The bigger the risk the bigger the reward… We discussed the advantages and disadvantages of making changes that were influenced by a desire to hedge bets. We decided if you fail when you play it safe you double your regrets, if you fail by taking the big chance you never have to wonder what if… because you tried…

4 – We don’t want to die with a legacy of paper shuffling and empty hearts…

Like I said it was a long talk and normally would have required beer… The fact that it didn’t take place in pub somehow makes it more legitimate… So apparently if you annoy people enough they just go fuck it… why am I trying to keep the world happy and making myself sad? So there is going to be a fair bit of mutual arse kicking and following of hearts and dreams.. and as for the ex’s thing I think this sums up both the feeling and battle ahead…


 

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Cool… Creepy… Criminal….

I took a spin to the mountains today with kids… The main purpose was to deliver some items that sold recently… but of course there was coffee and cakes….

… and the obligatory op-shopping… not the normal commando, man on a mission, take no prisoners kind, I do when alone… but the distracted, bored children variety… even so I did manage to find a fair bit of stuff… but theses are the pick of the pick, for very different reasons…

Cool – A very large Seiko Ultraman Clock… these will run you around $100 plus postage on eBay… or $150 in Chinatown… or $2 in an op-shop… I put batteries in and he works!!! so if I feel like it I can be woken by a loud “I am Ultra man Powered….Get up early!”

Creepy – Vintage Boags Ale tray… This must have been before their advertising got all arty…. It is basically a drinking as rape analogy…. and the snail is a nice touch….

Criminal – Yes its a shirt… a nice shirt in fact.. It is not everyone’s cup of tea, but Rodd and Gunn make good quality clothes, and it is Linen… and I have had a secret love affair with linen since I coveted the suits of Sonny Crockett on Miami Vice.. when I was a lad… The criminal aspect of this shirt is the person that bought it… never wore it, and then disposed of it… I paid $6 for this shirt….

… Those are the original tags, still intact from a never used purchase… $179… I do wonder what kind of person spends that on an item of clothing and then decides they don’t really like it… That to me seems a bit of crime….

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Take the Candy and get in the Van….

I have been considering my holiday travel plans…. As I will be travelling solo, the layout of the car is on my mind… I still have fond memories of childhood road trips, sitting in the back of my fathers panel van… These days he would be arrested on the spot, for allowing a small child to sit unrestrained in the back of a van… but it was the 70s and it awesome back  there…. A comfortable mattress, black furry fabric on the walls, and best of all a mural… of the Prince fighting the Dragon from Sleeping Beauty on the roof… did I mention this was the 70s?, when that type of thing was totally acceptable? He would be sitting in the front with my step mum, smoking cigarettes, drinking coke and listening to 8 tracks… and I would be stretched out in the back, reading comics and looking out the open tail gate, as the world zoomed past… Holidays were truly a golden time….

My Dad and me….

Sorry for the lack of  pictures to help the narrative…This was a time before the ability to log every memory with an iPhone, so I have to remember things the old fashioned way… with my memory and rose tinted glasses…

So in the hope of recapturing some of that magic furry passive smoking travel, I will be removing the back seats of my wagon, and chucking in a mattress…. I shall park backwards and look at scenery the way it was meant to be viewed… with a cup of coffee from a vintage thermos and the tailgate open…

Speaking of holidays, the ex-wife is taking the kids on a little trip down her memory lane, a “family” holiday down the south coast….. Don’t get me wrong… I hope they have a great time, and they can form some of those golden childhood memories, that I treasure so much… but I am not regretting my absence in this case… The thought of a rekindled relationship with my ex-wife is implausible… and I only say that because, impossible, while being accurate, seems a bit harsh… I think once I got over the end of the marriage, and then had to deal with her as a person, I relized it never could have worked in the first place… as people we are incompatible on too many levels… As for the actual end of things, looking for obvious causes, like the lack of time spent together after the children were born is easy… and accurate, but naive… Like the couple who don’t spend time together, because one partners new job keeps them away… it is easy to blame the job… but in reality one person decided to take the job and the other person let them…

I am amused by the naivety people who say the world isn’t black and white… it is… it just is black and white like an old picture, a million points of black and white, so if you don’t pay attention it looks like shades of grey… If you think the world isn’t black and white than you are not looking closely enough…

The song on the stereo is telling me Life is short and hard, like a body-building elf….But I rarely take life advice from the Bloodhound Gang… I think I am starting to accept life is better when you take chances with an open heart… and while I am still less then happy about a world that involves a lot of hypocrisy and selfishness, I am also aware that it also contains good stuff… Maybe the trick to making life seem less hollow is to share it with people that also want the good stuff, for you and themselves… Like Shrek I have layers… and when it comes down to it, I want good things for everyone that is, and has been in my life… I cant provide it for all of them, but I can try too for some…

To go with the layers and goodwill for all I am feeling, I also have  a whole strangely anxious thing going on… not just because of nicotine withdrawals coupled with the guilt of having a few cigarettes, which in turn extends the nicotine withdrawals… catch 22 sir? Yes please I will go for a jog after my next cigarette….

My upcoming trip is freaking me out, because it is not freaking me out… The great big logical part of my brain is trying to work it self up to a level of concern… and can’t  …. there is this odd kind of internal dialogue going on between heart and head… the heart is saying, go for it I want this… and my head is saying, fair enough I have run the numbers and its worth the risk… That doesn’t seem right, I am used to running on some level of doubt… either my heart or my head… seems strange to have a universal why not?

Teach your Children well….

I have many skill sets that don’t seem to show up on my children’s school curriculum… and I love holidays because they seem to be more receptive to learning the things I can teach them, when their little brains are not dulled by rote learning and pointless busy work… Todays bit of spontaneous and natural learning came about as I was sorting some junk jewellery. My six year old daughter, with a little girls natural love of shiny things was fascinated…

It seems hall-marks and gold stamps are more interesting than video games, for my daughter at least…. 375 and 9ct are the same thing? 975 is on the silver ones and not the gold ones… this one has a stone in it that looks like a real thing and not this plastic one… all very joyful things for me to here… I even had to go looking for more items for her… Is it wrong that I like the idea that i can now let her rummage in the jewellery piles at garage sales, to look for the good bits?

I would like to think I can pass on some useful skills to my children that their mother can’t… she can help them with homework, and playing an instrument… and I can teach them how to be interesting and self reliant… and cool, of course thats my responsibility…