Blind Sided by Epiphany…….

And there it is folks……the pre birthday Epiphany….bugger….

I have always believed that although shitty things happen and people do something that effects you negatively, once you acknowledge it your screwed….you have to stop blaming the world for how you are behaving, and own it…..bugger…..

Had a conversation with the now officially EX last night that resulted in the bloody Epiphany, 2 seconds after putting the phone down….. For all the other crap I could blame her for …. I am the one who ended the relationship by my own actions. So I don’t even get to be angry at her anymore….Well that just blows, I was only running on angst….

So undiscovered country lays ahead…..Hopefully at some point down the track I can patch up some kind of friendship with her. I mourn the loss of that, but we said what we both  needed to hear…..this wasn’t a trial separation this was the end of that part of our lives.

Hmmmmm…….. this is all a bit much to take before coffee.

Afternoon….about two and and half hours after….. Just had a nice long talk with the daddy….. that really helped ….. talked to him about the separation being a permanent one ….He pointed out that once you separate the only thing it achieves is letting you know you can cope …. Wise man for an old hippy …. So I talked to him about my business plan, and the kids, school and the possibility of moving back to bathurst for the ex and kids sake…. He asked is that what I want …. I must admit it isn’t …. yet …..I think moving back now would be very destructive for the ex and I ….. I want to see out this year up here I think …. I need the distance right now to let this go …. I want to be her friend and have her in my life …. but I can’t do that till I am over the relationship and in a healthy place with it …. Also not sure my son is quiet ready to change schools just yet ….. 7 months is a very long time in his world …. But I suspect he would get eaten alive at this point ….. I don’t want to separate them from their mother …. I suspect she has the makings of a very good one …. if she had the chance, which she didn’t have while we were together…. I was mum and dad most of the time …. and that cheated us both.

So I will ask her to keep contact to the essentials for a while so we can both let go of the anger….I can’t imaging my life without her in it …. so I will forgive her …. and myself and hope that if I can be a person she wants to know again…..without losing myself this time

Evening Post……. Bloody hell it’s cold!!! They say it will snow tomorrow….Snow on my birthday, I could treat that as tabula rasa……

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