The other shoe…..

The increasing realisation that I am in this alone now has arrived…..To tell the truth the separation had very little impact on the kids….and seemingly little on my ex. That probably speaks volumes I guess….I had hoped that maybe this would allow us both to focus on the kids a bit more and get my own life back in focus. To a small degree that was happening, and I accept progress is slow…..and many years of being there for everyone else is a hard habit to break….probably just having a crappy day. Just feeling a bit like I once again got the shitty end of the stick….I do the hard bit with the kids, school, nightmares and keeping them confident and as stress free as I can, I was really hoping that being the fun weekend parent would be a roll she could embrace, enjoy the kids for the brief time she has them and not see them as an inconvenience to her alone time, they still look to me to explain the way she acts, I explain a lot of it by saying her job is very hard….I am sure it will improve as she finds her own way…Just not getting my hopes up that it will happen quickly….and not letting it get me down to much

On the bright side I am finding it a lot easier to make the house function, amazing how much better it feels just to get stuff done instead of dwelling on the fact that you want someone else to help…..when there is no one else there you just do it…..much easier and less soul destroying….

Couple on new commissions for pictures over the past few weeks….a few more chapters of book….and a dozen other projects on the go. Kind of amazed at how things are moving along in that department. No one to share it with, but that isn’t so bad…..

I have decided to shift the collectibles stuff a bit cheaper and quicker….starting to feel it is a distraction to what i really want to achieve….the money will be very tight for a while, but i have cut back just about everything to the wire….at least I don’t answer to anyone else for it….and that’s a good feeling.

Just a few things I needed to get of my chest….don’t want to bottle things up, it stops me getting things done…

Whoops bottle all filled again!!!! I get the impression that my ex is so desperate for friends that she will overlook just about anything….Maybe I should take that as a sign to just let it go….She once said she had changed as much as she could, and resented that she changed at all…. Maybe she did, I didn’t see it….It probably wouldn’t have mattered anyway. I need a break I think, starting to let things get on top of me again…The Prozac isn’t even touching the sides….Starting to think I should stop taking it….I only started to get to that emotionally detached world my ex inhabited…I thought it would help….turns out emotionally detached people are no fun to live with….yes I saw the irony….

So to re-cap feeling like shit……kids sad…..ex who only ever liked me for someone I wasn’t….and no clue what to do next…..

I know……a bit more Prozac.

Update a few hours later…….

Alright I feel a lot better now….My new rule is I leave the rant….even if it makes me cringe a bit….can’t grow out of tantrums if I hide them.

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